Call It A Tie™
Call It A Tie™ Jokes and Humor
Here's a link to a video of Kathy Griffin talking
about Catholics and her parents:
Kathy Griffin reflects on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise of lesbians and their children.
Human Resources Manager
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not
really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going
to do is let you have a day in Hell and day in Heaven and then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in
Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends, fellow executives that she had worked with, and they were well
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her
on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent
round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a
really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and
dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on
the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her! ..
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yes, yesterday we were
recruiting you.... today you're an employee...."
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that
there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he
had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to
make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That
was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone.
"The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"
The widow says "Three carats."
Smart Ladies vs Real Women
Smart Ladies: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while its still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".
Real Women: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you WILL eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Smart Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Smart Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Smart ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Smart ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Smart Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the pie crust, so I just don't do it.
Smart Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip...
Smart Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine?!?!
Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of 6 Models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the New Jersey Market
Livingston Barbie- This princess Barbie is only sold at the Short Hills Mall. She comes with Kenneth Cole 4-inch clunky shoes, an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and a Mercedes-Benz stretch limo. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.
Newark Barbie- This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows.
Hoboken Barbie- This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, which cruises until 2:00 am.
Paramus Barbie- This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
South Jersey Barbie- This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.
Seaside Barbie: This gum-chewing, Trans-Am driving, Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear white pumps and walk on the boardwalk without your heel falling between the boards while you chase your Italian gold-chain wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark colored lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly nude color or no fill-in at all. Her
ensemble includes low-rise flared colored jeans with assorted colored G-strings that
stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG.
Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and Springsteen CD's, Big can of Stiff Stuff Hair Spray, 9 pre-paid tanning sessions, mirrored heart key-chain (won on the boardwalk) engraved with your Italian boyfriend's name!
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a
trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by
the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, who was
sometimes called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why
doth thou travel far
from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade
without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she
were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but
simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all
the towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the sale
can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let
Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang
out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at
the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that
no one noticed that the real riches were going to
the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed
did insist on making drums that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of
Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said,
"We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al
Gore after all.
GOLFING IN MONTANA
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers
to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as
little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of
an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between
black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper
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